Underworld Cup
by Rushwriter
Summary: The movie Underworld as rewritten by football commentators.
1. Chapter 1: First Half

_The movie Underworld as re-written by football commentators._

* * *

_…shoot to Ordoghaz Stadium… _

Commentator #1: Well, it's a dark night here in Budapest, Mortals, and we are in our second, I repeat, _second_ round of Underworld Cup. Tensions are high, players are gnashing their teeth, and I do believe we may see some blood today. What do you think, Richard?

Commentator #2: I would have to agree, Nigel…last we heard, it's just been _death_, _death_, _death_ for these lycans. Several yellow cards, and at least _one_ red in the last round. Lead striker William Corvinus was sent off the field for eating peasant stock…and then, in a surprising turn of events, their goalkeeper _Lucian_ was reprimanded for asphyxiating in his own goalkeep…

Commentator #1: Oooo, a _heavy_ blow, that is…they're already down one man and the head referee, Alexander Corvinus, looks to be showing no mercy _whatsoever_…

Commentator #2: I completely agree, Nigel, but you have to stand firm in these matters…anyway, what do you reckon? Nil-nil…or another dashing victory for the vampires?

Commentator #1: Well from the look of those teeth, I'm not so sure…the lycans could be up to something…and personally, I'd like to think they still have one or even, _two_ tricks up their sleeves, so put me down for a draw…

Commentator #2: With only ten men on the field, miracles do happen. Anyway, we're cutting to some of the players right now getting ready in their changing rooms…

_…cut to lycan changing room… _

_…cut back to Ordoghaz Stadium… _

Commentator #1: 'Fraid we're having some technical difficulties…looks like the video cameras have been trashed again down in both changing rooms. No wait…_sorry_, only in the lycan changing room…

_…cut to vampire changing room… _

Commentator #1: There we go, clear picture…as you can see, the vampires are lining up…there's goalkeeper Viktor…lead striker, Kahn…and what a surprise, head coach Amelia taking a place towards the back…is it my imagination, or has she decided to _play_ in this next round?

Commentator #2: Indeed she has, Nigel…flew in yesterday at the last minute. You may recall, due to their sheer strength, vampire women can compete evenly with the vampire men. And speaking _of_ vampire men, we're just getting the official line-up here…and it appears…_yes_, midfielder Tanis has been _benched_ as previously thought…

Commentator #1: Doesn't look too happy, now, does he?

Commentator #2: Oh I wouldn't say that…he appears to be trying his legs out over by those two medics from the vampire side. Looks quite comfortable…anyway, we're moving out to the stadium now…the match is about to begin.

_…cut to stadium…camera sweeps across screaming spectators with pitchforks… _

Spectators: RA!

…

**Vampire line-up: **

Viktor - _goalkeeper  
_Marcus - _defender__  
_Kraven - _defender  
_Amelia – _defender  
_Soren - _midfield  
_Mason - _midfield  
_Erika – _midfield  
_Kahn - _centre forward  
_Selene – _centre_ _forward  
_Nathaniel – _winger__  
_Rigel – _winger_

**Lycan line-up: **

Lucian – _goalkeeper_ (asphyxiated)  
Raze – _centre_ _forward  
_Trix – _centre_ _forward  
_Pierce – _centre_ _midfield  
_Taylor – _centre_ _midfield  
_Wolfgang – _defender  
_Singe - _defender_

**Refs: **

Alexander Corvinus – _head referee  
_Cleaner #1 – _assistant referee  
_Cleaner #2 – _assistant referee_

Commentator #1: New developments…it appears the lycans are down _four _men, not two…and the goalkeeper is _still_ lying dead in his goalkeep. Not so promising after all with six lycans and a dead man…

Commentator #2: Are you sure he's dead?

Commentator #1: Oh yes…definitely dead. Last match, defender Kraven of the vampire side was smoking near the goalkeep at the time…says he saw it all. Even brought back Lucian's jersey as proof…

Commentator #2: What, they swapped shirts?

Commentator #1: Nah, he just took the jersey…what a bastard. Anyway…Hungarian national anthem is finished…and…we're off!

Commentator #2: Centre forward Raze is moving down the line, looking grim…passes the ball to Trix…Trix looking for a way through…what's this? Interception by Selene. She passes to Nathaniel…Nathaniel to Rigel…Rigel going for the…_OOhhhh_, that's got to hurt! Yellow card given to Raze. Free kick awarded to the vampires…

Commentator #1: Hang on! The ref blows the whistle, but _not_ for the free kick...hehe, would you look at that?

Commentator #2: Looks like a streaker has run on the field, Mortals…interrupting play. And…_crikey_, the lycans are chasing the streaker! The ref is trying to get order! Lead striker Selene is hunting after the lycans…utter chaos, Mortals, utter chaos!

_…camera zooms in on blond streaker running across the field screaming "I'm a medic! I'm on the telly! I'm a medic!"… _

_…halfway across the field, the streaker stops to share a love-filled gaze with lead striker Selene…during this gaze, the Cleaners grab him by the shoulders, pummel him to the ground, and drag him off field… _

Commentator #1: Mmm…alright, that's been dealt with. Ref says "play on." Vampire Nathaniel takes the free kick…breaks through the defenders, dribbling down the side, and trying to get a cross…but no can do! Corner kick awarded to the vampires…lead striker Selene to take the corner. What's this? Looks like she's wasting time, mortals…got her eye on the goalkeep…Ref might give her a warning…

Commentator #2: Wait a minute! Did I just see the lycan goalkeeper move?

Commentator #1: Trick of your eye, mate...he's still lying dead on the ground. Anyway, Selene takes the corner, and…ohhhh, the ball goes wide! Lycan midfielder Pierce swipes the ball…and now…he's fighting with his own teammate! Pierce and Taylor are fighting for the ball…moving up through the…_whoops_…and they fumble.

Commentator #2: Seriously, he moved! Replay that footage…is that a shotgun?

Commentator #1: No... _…counts money…_

Commentator #2: Are you sure?

Commentator #1: Yes… _…nods to Raze and pockets money…_

Commentator #2: Looks pretty pissed off for a dead guy…

Commentator #1: Look, he's dead! Drop it already! Sorry, mortals, back to the game…we're down near the vampire goal… Kraven's got the ball now…trying to pass it to Selene, but she's not taking his advances. Has to go through midfielder Erika instead…quite an eager lass, she is…and _OHHH_ _NO!_ Defender Kraven hits the crossbar! He almost scored in his own goal…and…he's running around waving Lucian's jersey…he thinks he's scored a goal, but…_what the?_ He doesn't even know what side of the field he's on! What an idiot…alright, Kraven finally passes the ball to Erika…she's making her way down the…

_…camera zooms in on familiar figure running onto field again screaming "I'm a medic! I'm coming home to my apartment! I'm a medic!"… _

Commentator #2: WHAT on earth?…the streaker's back! He's running towards the half-way line! Ref says "play on" and…the streaker's intercepted the ball! He's passed it to Selene…and oh my heavens, she's PASSED IT BACK! They're breaking through the midfielders, through the defenders, this could be it, mortals! Selene has the ball again! She takes the cross…the streaker heads the ball…aannnndddd…IT'S A SAVE! The LYCANS are on their FEET! The goalkeeper is NOT DEAD! What a MIRACLE in the Underworld! Have the vampires realized that…HOLY SMOKES! The lycan goalkeeper has BITTEN the streaker! Selene is dragging the streaker away, but the damage is DONE! What the hell does this mean, Nigel?

Commentator #1: That's the question, Richard…we're just getting the rules now, and this is one of those _grey_ areas, but…if the streaker survives that could be one more player for the lycans! The real medics are coming on field to check his health…taking him off field for the moment…defender Kraven doesn't look too happy on his side…seems to be having words with Selene about something or other…midfielder Erika trying to join the fray, and…scratch that, she's scurrying away again…

Commentator #2: Alright, ref has blown the whistle…goal kick by Lucian, keeper of the lycans. The ball is far too long, flying over Raze…Singe…over…_over_…and whoops, hits vampire defender Kraven across the head. All the way on the other side of the field, but oh, the keeper is shrugging…accident no doubt. And from that far away, you'd have to be an idiot to get knocked out by a football…

_…camera zooms in on defender Kraven dropping to the ground, clutching his leg and rolling several times across the grass… _

Commentator #1: Aww, crap…looks like he's injured himself…medics are coming out. Whistle is blown…is that his _leg_ he's holding? Alright, ref is coming over…_and ohhhh no_…it's a YELLOW card for the vampires! Once again, Alexander Corvinus is taking no nonsense from players…

Commentator #2: Wait a minute…wait a minute! The vampire goalkeeper has thrown down his jersey and is threatening to walk off the field! Doesn't seem impressed by the referee's decision, but lead striker Selene quickly brings him to his senses…talking him through and the like. As you recall, he's been touchy since midfielder Sonja got kicked off the team last season…

Commentator #1: What was it for? Cheating? Drugs?

Commentator #2: Says here it was a severe case of sunburn, but half the file is burned, so I can't really tell. Alright, where were we? Only two more minutes left until half-time here…what the...not _again…_

…_camera zooms in on streaker running onto field again screaming "I'm a medic! I want to speak to Selene! I'm a medic!"… _

_…streaker dodges several Cleaners, jumps behind Selene, and uses her as a shield… _

_…Cleaners decide it's not worth it and let the streaker stay since it's obvious he's become somewhat attached to green grass and vampires in black latex… _

Commentator #1: _…sighs…_ Alright mortals…new change of plans…looks like Alexander Corvinus has allowed the streaker to stay for good. His name's Michael…officially he's playing for the lycans, but we're not entirely sure he realizes because right now he's still passing the ball to lead striker Selene…and here we go _again_…take it away, Richard…

Commentator #2: Thanks Nigel. Selene swipes the ball from Michael, up through the midfield, past the defenders…Michael is on her tail _aaannnddd_…ref blows the whistle. Two minutes injury time is up! Spectators are screaming, players are growling and we've reached half-time at 0-0. There appears to be a little confusion as to what to do with the streaker…he's trying to follow Selene, but Pierce and Taylor seem to have grabbed him by the ruff and are dragging him back to the lycan changing room. Maybe find him a jersey…or even pants.

Commentator #1: Pants would be good…

Commentator #2: You said it, Nigel. Anyway, we'll see next half…

_…camera zooms in on streaker being dragged off the field screaming "I'm a medic! I want to go with Selene! Let me go, I'm a medic!"… _

_…sweeps across screaming spectators… _

_…and… _

_…cut for commercial break and half-time show… _


	2. Chapter 2: Halftime Show

_Half-time show for the Underworld Cup._

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone! Glad you enjoyed it, and for the record, the second half is currently in progress..._

* * *

…_shoot to half-time show…_

…_dark and dramatic music plays in background as lights are turned up, signifying the start of the half-time show with Nigel and Richard sitting smugly at a large curving table-like barrier…_

Commentator #1: Well, mortals, WHAT an incredible first half that was…_here_ we are, half-time show of the second round of Underworld Cup. The setting, Ordoghaz Stadium. The players…lycans and vampires _fighting_ it out on the green. The score _stands_ at nil-nil. But the facts _beg_ to differ.

Commentator #2: I know _just_ what you mean, Nigel. Towards the beginning, yes, it seemed the vampires had the strength, the agility…good passes…excellent record, physically as _well_ as financially. They were practiced and ready.

Commentator #1: I assume you mean Ziodex Industries?

Commentator #2: Exactly that, Nigel, _exactly_ that. Training facilities, stadiums, new jerseys, it's all there. A century for each zero on their paycheque, and we _still_ don't know what happened. Pre-halftime, we were at 60-40 possession of the ball for the vampires…by all reason, they should have wiped the floor with them, but instead…the lycans manage to come out on top.

Commentator #1: Well then, let's get _right_ to it. _…turns to the camera…_ What happened? How on _earth_ did the lycans start with six men and end with eight?

Commentator #2: A question on the tip of everyone's tongue, Nigel. A question that drives us if you like that sort of thing. But all I can say is…the _streaker_. The pulse of this entire game revolves around…the _streaker_.

…_turns to the screen…_

…_camera zooms in on film-still of screaming streaker being dragged off-field, the words "The Streaker: Blessing or Menace" written below the picture…_

Commentator #1: Blessing, menace or naked man running on grass, I give you…Michael Corvin. Where did he come from? Nobody knows.

Commentator #2: Genius…absolute _genius_…

Commentator #1: Or an idiot. As it happens, he's _still_ the newest member of the lycan team and kudos to him, he _takes_ the world by storm and ten minutes later, a dead man comes to life. Who does he play for? What is his purpose? Was he sent? Was he paid? _…squints at camera…_ What provoked him to join this game?

Commentator #2: The answer… _…pauses dramatically…_ lies with Michael Corvin. We're moving now to the lycan changing rooms…our correspondent, Dicky, doing a _marvelous_ job getting past the teeth. Dicky… Dicky, are you there?

…_cut to moving hand-held camera shot in lycan changing room…_

Commentator #3: Hello, Richard, I _am_ here. We're standing in the lycan changing rooms…about to speak with the streaker, about to speak with Lucian…and yes, _perhaps_…answer a few of those questions for ourselves.

…_backs over towards corner of trashed changing room where Lucian sits scraping dirt off his cleats…_

Commentator #3: Hello sir, yes…good to meet you. Marvelous play that was, absolutely marvelous, I'm a huge fan. But the question on everyone's tongue… _…leans forward…_ …who is the streaker?

…_camera suddenly zooms in on streaker tied in corner, screaming "I'm a medic! I'm not a goalkeeper! They want me to be…"_

…_Lucian makes cutting motion…_

…_camera is suddenly grabbed from the side and trashed…_

…_picture goes fuzzy…_

Commentator #2: Well…thank you, Dicky. Secretive ones, those lycans. More questions and not that many answers. Pity we couldn't hear above the clatter, but it almost sounded as if the medic…I'm sorry, the streaker was yelling something about…

Commentator #1: _…cough…_ And onto other things.

Commentator #2: But I…

Commentator #1: _…cough…_ Selene. That's right, mortals…lead striker Selene…centuries old player from the vampire side. A frosty woman by the outlook and the next _rogue_ ticket in our draw. Give me your thoughts, Richard… is it possible Selene might be playing for the other side? Better yet, using the streaker as a diversion? Even a hoax, dare I say it?

Commentator #2: Seemingly so shallow and yet so deep, your thoughts astound me, Nigel…are you suggesting there might be another level to this game that we aren't aware of?

Commentator #1: From the way she looked at that streaker…from the way we _all_ looked at the streaker…I'd have to say _yes_, that's exactly what I'm saying. The heart of the matter, how on earth can a target-eyed deathdealer fall in love with an idiot running naked across a field?

Commentator #2: I couldn't say, Nigel, I couldn't say. Perhaps fascination...love...an estranged interest in the opposite species. You must admit, riveting the man is. Absolutely _riveting_. Who really knows what's going through her mind? So much pressure on these players...the game...the cup...the extinction of the other species. Deathdealer she is, but abomination...I think not...

Commentator #1: ..._winks_... You said it, but only time will tell _...turns to the audience..._ Another question then...how is it possible that of _all_ the creatures to survive a werewolf-bite, the streaker does it _right_ when the lycans are down one man? _Fate...the luck of the draw_…or does the lycan goalkeeper know more about this business than he's letting on?

Commentator #2: Head on a plate, Nigel, that's a live one. _Does_ the lycan goalkeeper know more than he's letting on? _Well_…as I've said in the past, miracles do happen. And now… ..._turns to the camera..._ a question for our polls. Transformation can be murder on clothing...should lycan jerseys be abolished? And for vampires...should Selene _herself_ become a streaker? I think not…

Commentator #1: …and I think yes. Text message us at …_camera goes fuzzy for a second_… eight three. I repeat, that's… _camera goes fuzzy for a second…_ eight three. And for the second poll.. _...the sound of a gunshot is heard offstage... ..._we have chosen to cancel the second poll, I'm afraid. Alas, maybe next time. ._..turns to Richard with a goodnatured laugh... _Gunshot or not, one thing is for certain, Richard…the vampires had better watch _their_ backs from now on. Thank you, Richard.

Commentator #2: And thank you, Nigel. That's all for the half-time show, mortals. In five minutes…back on the field…the second half of this game. Lycans vs. Vampires…the second round of the Underworld Cup and the score…nil-nil.

…_dark and dramatic music plays in background as camera pools out and the room darkens signifying the end of the half-time show…_

…_camera shows several replays from the game, including screaming streaker running across field in slowmotion, as music sweeps into something loud and triumphant…_

…_cut for commercial break and second half…_


	3. Chapter 3: Commercial Break

_Commercial break for the Underworld Cup Halftime. Inspired by Baz Luhrmann's Chanel No. 5 commercial featuring Nicole Kidman (check it out on YouTube.)_

* * *

**…_screen darkens to black for commercial #1…_**

…_soft music plays in background…Debussy's Clair de Lune…_

…_sensual dark footage in cold blues and icy whites…_

…_a man stares longingly from a gargantuan Selene No. 5 sign shining through the darkness…_

Man (soft voice): When did I fall…into this darkness…I must have been the only person in the world…who didn't know…who she was.

Voice-over: …_With the disappearance of the world's most beloved deathdealer_…_GONE…_

…_footage shows a Selene-look-a-like staring coldly over her shoulder from the top of a gothic mansion…_

Man: But my world would never be the same again…

…_the dark-haired vampiric beauty with icy blue eyes gets into his car…_

…_the man stares at her in wonder…_

"_Drive…" the woman orders coldly._

Man: When she came into my life…

… _footage of the woman now leaning against the gargantuan Selene No. 5 sign…_

"_It's beautiful up here…everything seems so peaceful" she murmurs softly…_

"_Who are you?" he says._

"_I'm a deathdealer. I love death…"_

…_they laugh together…_

Man (soft voice): It didn't matter…I knew who she was…to _me._

…_they embrace by the gargantuan Selene No. 5 sign, kissing passionately in the moonlight…_

Man: Has she forgotten…I know I will not…

Man (whisper): Her kiss…her hate…her perfume.

…_Selene No. 5 lights up…_

…_screen darkens_...

o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o

_**...shoot to commercial #2...**_

…_no music…_

…_pitch black with the words "For the last time, Kraven, there is no us. Take Erika. She's dying to be at your side." written in the centre of the screen_...

…_it holds for 30 seconds…and then fades to black._

o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o

_**...shoot to commercial #3...**_

…_soft, sensual music…_

…_pitch black with the words "Kraven, I would never treat you like that. I'll wear the perfume…" written in the centre of the screen in fanciful script…_

…_it holds for 30 seconds…and then fades to black._

o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o...o

_**...shoot to commercial #4...**_

…_no music…_

…_pitch black with the words "Ah ha…I bit him…"_

…_it holds for 30 seconds…and then fades to black._


End file.
